Monday, March 9, 2009

I love you so much, I ran out of the store to answer your call...

Have you ever sat down with your friends and talked about what it would be like to have a superhero?  You know, who's your favorite, what kind of superpower you would have...  Jaime's superpower (or arguably one of many) is attracting strange women.  I would talk more about it, but that would ruin the surprise for future posts.

This is the story of one of his female encounters.

Jaime had been seeing her for a little while, and had decided that maybe it would be best not to keep dating.  I can't exactly remember what happened there, but it probably involved random visits at his house, involving screaming, banging on the door and possibly a break in.  For years now, we've all decided that there's something in the water there that causes normal women to turn in to sadistic stalkers with a desire to use crow bars and other objects to break in and chase men, followed  by multiple phone calls, and all the other things that make for a quality psycho.

After weeks of not talking to her, and what we would all consider a successful departure from the insanity, Jaime decided he'd reach out.  Her family had a stronghold on the pizza market in his area, and he was going to swing by the shop to pick something up.  Why he decided to call and announce this I can't remember, but I'm happy he did.

Dina (remember, fictitious names here) was out doing some shopping at a local department store.  Phone rings, she immediately freaks out because the man she had been unsuccessfully stalking had decided to put himself back in her web.   Blinded by her new found reason to live, she freaks out, and runs out of the store, because I guess reception wasn't good enough inside.  This is where it gets funny.

See, Dina forgot about the whole "I'm still looking at things, and might try this on" part of her day that she was currently involved in, so arm load of items and all, runs right out the front door and into the parking lot.  I can only imagine that this is how it went from there:

D: "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, JAIME, is that really you???"
J: "Hi Dina, how are ya?  I was thinking about going out and getting a white pie..."
D: "AHHHHHHHHHH, I'm so happy you called.  I was just out getting some more candles for the shrine I created in my room for you.  This is totally a sign we need to be together!!!"
J: "Ummm, uhhh..."
D: "How many kids do you want?  I was thinking about 7, we don't have to get started right away, but now that you've called me, we should talk about the wedding.  I knew sitting in my room for hours, talking to myself and chanting would finally work out!  All my friends said I was crazy..."
J: "And they would be correct."
D: "I mean, we're perfect for eachother.  Obviously, you know you're the object of my affection... hold on... yes sir, I am paying for these, but my future husband just rang and..."
J: "Did you just run out of a store?"
D: "HOLD ON JAIME!... no sir, I wasn't trying to.. hey, what are you doing?!?!?!  JAIME, HELP ME!"
J: "Hmmm, maybe I'll just make an Elio's instead..."
D: "Elio!  That's definitely the name of our first boy!  I was thinking the same thing!  I'm going to love shopping for him.  SIR, PLEASE STOP PULLING ME INSIDE!  THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT CALL I.... (click)"

Later on, Jaime comes to find that crazy lady had in fact run out of the store, and that the authorities had been summoned.  Now, where it went from there I'm not sure, but I don't ever recall meeting this one, and I haven't had pizza when I've visited, so we can all venture a guess that he moved on to his next head case from there.  

Trust me, his adventures in women get better from here, but for now, I'll leave you with this one to enjoy.

Since we don't have visual proof, I can only imagine that it went a little something like this after they hung up...

Monday, February 16, 2009

The long, cold, bike ride

Winter 2008
(Second hand account by TS)

Jaime calls Lancester County, PA home.  He's located in mountain area, surrounded by state game lands, and miles from anything but a local bar and a few places that are only open between Memorial Day and Labor Day.

One of the places that is miles from Jaime's little bungalow in the woods, is his job site.  Jaime has had a couple other jobs since we got to know him, but his primary source of employment hasn't changed.  Actually, he's responsible for helping our planes fly, keeping our seatbelts in place, and making sure the cruise control stays on when you get lazy on the highway (these facts may prove disturbing in future posts).  It's about 35 mile round trip for him, and on occasion, he's been known to ride his bike instead of taking the car.  Most of the time, it's for recreational purposes, but that's usually restricted to the summer months.

Jaime's car decided it needed a night in the shop, so on a Sunday afternoon, he dropped the car off to get looked at the following morning, in time to get it back for second shift.  Unfortunately, work calls after the drop off to inform him he needs to get for the shift beforehand, and so he's stuck with no other option than to ride his bike to work the next morning.

Now, at this point, one might go and get their car back, or consider other options, but not our fearless environmental warrior.  I mean, this is the guy that flies down the sides of mountains at 2am with nothing but a headlight and hope that he won't clip a tree.  So, he decided the best course of action was to get up earlier than normal, hop on his bike, and get to peddling.  Unfortunately for Jaime, it was the coldest day of winter so far, but off he went.

Off Jaime goes into the frozen tundra of a PA morning.  Peddling in cold weather like this must be a lot like trying to get into the ocean in the north east.  You know it's going to be cold, so you bolt in for a swim to avoid as much discomfort as possible, and then once you're in and adjusted, you commit to staying in for as long as possible since you don't want to go through the process again.  He gets going, and decides there will be no stopping until he reaches his final destination.  Along the journey, something happens which causes a tear in the crotch of his pants.  No stopping, can't stop, losing feeling in fingers and a bit of hypothermia.

Roll up to the office and time to jump off the bike....


See, when one is peddling at a high speed, in the frozen wind and arctic sunless cold, you kind of lose the ability to feel anything.  Add sitting on a cold bike seat the entire way, and well, think of A Christmas Story and the pole incident - only this time with balls.  That's right, our fearless peddler had somehow found a way to tear through multiple layers, and get scrotal skin stuck to the seat that is making every guy reading this right now cringe.   I can only imagine likening it to tearing the band aid off, but, well, I'm sure it's still no where close.  

What did he do?  Went to work, moved on, and I didn't ask about the after effects or visual proof.  That's for someone else to do.

Why did I start with this story?  Answer might disturb you:  this is light in comparison to future posts.  

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to completely verify that everything I wrote here is 100% accurate, though it's just a matter of details regarding the journey, the end result is definitely the real deal.

See ya next week.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Who is Rigel??

Meet Rigel.  His real name is Jaime Cooper, and for those of us lucky enough to call him our friend, he has been providing countless hours of entertainment over the years.

I'm sure the first thing you ask is: isn't that friends are for, and what makes him special?

The answers will be revealed to you on a weekly basis, with a new story (past or present) being posted covering such topics as rampaging flying animals, 3am bike rides down the sides of mountains, and break ins involving crow bars and other things that have been turned into weapons.

You may ask yourself from time to time if in fact a person like this actually exists: the answer is yes, the picture above will provide truth (thanks Tera).  Many people have asked the same thing in the past, and have been half amazed to meet him in person, and see that he's actually alive and doing pretty well considering his previous misadventures.

Why a blog for him?  Well, he should really have a book or movie (we're not going to try and go the Tucker Max route here, but...) and as I said before, these stories have kept some of us doubled over for hours laughing ant their obscurity, and struggling to share the story with others because it's just too hard to repeat.

Rigel will be doing most of the work here, picking his favorites along the way and sending them over to be  posted.  For those that know him, please feel free to send me photos to be posted, or make suggestions for stories that should be told, and I'll talk to Rigel about getting them posted.  All names in these stories will be altered to protect people from possible future prosecution or not to destory their chances at running for public office.  We don't worry about Jaime, that opportunity waved "bye bye" to him years ago.

Be warned, some of the postings might create seizure like spurts of laughter, definitely offend some, and make you question his mortality.  Trust me, if Darwin was still with us (he turned 200 the other day) I think he would be completely baffled, and may alter his scientific theories on evolution.

Oh yeah, Rigel is his middle name, it just sounds so much cooler than Jaime, so we're going with that.

The blog makeup will change, this is just the beginning, so buckle up kids.  

First story comes on Monday.